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| As I sit and type, I never realized that I be going back to xanga where it all begin. Funny, huh that after all these years and time of myspace and facebook, the only step I'm taking to get back to the online world is through xanga which only a few know about and even less still use it. But, it's kinda nice to be able to reflect on my past and realize an important thing: I still don't know shit.
All this time, I became a hermit and a recluse, shying away from people who were friends to me once. People who I have shared everything with and they share with me all their thoughts and feelings. The people I had that were with me with my ups and downs, the ones who I turned my back on. Now as I sit, pondering and realizing the mistakes I had made with my personal and social life, I realized that going and becoming a turtle was not the smartest idea. I thought I could reflect upon myself and see myself in a clear, objective way. I could grow from the experience and whatnot, but only to be left completely lost and lonely in this place. I tried the shoulder my problems by myself and excluded everyone from me. I push them all away as I tried to become this fake disillusioned desperado hero type deal. Now I'm left with Xanga. Yay. Perhaps it not too late to to fix the bridges that have long been once burned and wrecked, and I would very love to do so. Yet I'm scared by the perception of everything. I tried to tell myself that it's stupid to be afraid of what the world perceive of you, but it the truth regardless. The esteem held be people is influenced by the way the world view them, and I'm no different. Fuck it through, this will by my first start toward that path. Whatever happens now, is what the path has in store for me. It better than striving and and striding through life as a lone ranger, that's for sure. To quote a famous man, "I'm back, bitches!"
fine print: maybe, I'm taking the baby steps and it won't be pretty to apologize for everything I done to the people that really care me for.
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| It's been awhile and since I know probably no one will look at this, time to write and have some fun. So ranting time:
When the hell did I become so apathetic? I mean I in no complete sense of the word since a person with apathy wouldn't care for anything or do anything and would just die, but I feel rather distanced from everyone. I wonder why. Could it been my whole upbringing? I was raised up very naive for a long time, starting when I was little and watch Disney movies and believing in everything they say or what they did. In middle school, I knew nothing about popularity or clothing fashion since I went to Jardin for the better part of my middle school years and wore nothing but uniforms. In mead, I got a serious blow to my head, but still then I didn't think much of it since I did find my first real crush there. Then in high school, I went through it pretty much unscathed probably because I didn't care much for the cliques and kept with people who were fun and made so much of a fool for myself that no one really thought much of it. But I still believe. I believe in everything that was instilled in me when I was younger. I believed lasting friendships could be possible, a family of love and caring existed, sister and brother quarries were a thing of the past, and the most importantly there would be a big cake at the end. Now I feel it nothing. It was all a lie. There is no cake, it's a lie.(lol meme pun) I feel nothing like life is nothing like in the movies, but I guess I should of known. Life is never as good as the movies or maybe its the other way around. Regardless, I couldn't care or don't want to care anymore. C'est la vie. Friendships come and go, family disappears, sister and brothers may go on their whole lives not giving a damn about one another. Perhaps that the way of life, and you can't stop the changing of the tide so to speak. C'est la vie.
And on closing, I wonder now what that book that I read in my junior english class. It was about a young man serving in the second world war and was really emotionless till the very end, where his wife/lover died after their child had died before. It was made to feel as though there was no emotion in the main character, but he had something deeper that still captivated the audience. Perhaps it was that he was in the right, not clinging to his emotions, but rather living objectively. Still, he was only a man and showed the emotions in the ending, causing the book to end. But I wonder, could anyone really reach that place of self emotionless just to see the world in that light? Ah a man can wonder.
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| OK, I been back for awhile, but I'm still doing my job, and not being on leave. Boot camp was ...fun to say the least, but adapting to military life is a bit difficult. Never realize how good civilians have it. As our J says, "we fight, so you don't have to," but man that is something. Now i'm back and trying to recruit potentials to join the marine corps, which is kinda hard since we don't offer alot of money bonuses. At times like this, I wish we had a draft, but then we would have YOU fighting the front lines, and that will be beyond scary. Well if anyone every wants to join the marine corps, holla.
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| Only two more days before I'm shipped out and no one seems to care except my family but then again they have to. Haha, well at least I can curve my addiction to the internet and ze porn. Hopefully, joining the marines will get me into shape, find some directions, and make my wiser. But those stereostypes are annoying. Not the one where marines are mindless idiots, because well i'm joining it, but the sterotypes that i'mma come back all strong, buff, wise, and disciplined. I'mma come back with less sense of direction in life, and not get any abs. The strong and buff, I could never do it anyways.
But I'm trying to see the silver lining in the joining of marines. Of course, I have found them but I also the not so silver lining. I'd be doing a great deal to the service, but there a chance I'll be call to war. I may be buff or get stronger or get more fit, but I don't want to lose the lazy part that defines me. Like eating on the couch, spending hours finding a remote rather than pressing the buttons on the tv (it calculates out in the end in the number of hours wasted). And there a lot more, but I'm lazy. I guess I'm just afraid of being away for so long (and being mindless ordered and changed, and forcing to do work I don't want to do like push-ups and lunges). See you in a couple of months, maybe...or not. ?????????
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| I thought I could escape, I thought I could run and hide, but no matter what, I couldn't escape it. And here I am, about to meet me maker. Now I'm scared beyond anything else. I don't know where to turn to or what to do, (well beside from the usual people I go for advice, but they won't help this time). I'm tired of the jokes of my weight, I'm not even all that fat. Well once I'm gone, I don't think anyone have to worry about that. But now, I'm so cornered and soon I'll be going away. I'm truly scared, my life have been set. I'm scared of that one major change... of the sensations of excitement and the nervousness of becoming a marine.
Hahaha, got you going there didn't I? But I think death is sometimes better than being a marine. Soon, I'm to be shipped out to basic training, and job training after that. A whole 6 months (roughly) that I'll be gone and enjoy/detest a new way of life of being an individual while being in another family. Hope me luck all. And hopefully I can come back being ripped.
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